moronic_rose

i dont know how many cals today. i cant find what i want.

i had a 50 cent lolly mixture -no idea how many cals
cheese roll with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, cheese and an egg. -guessing 500 cals?
coffee, diet coke, crystal lite, water
muesli bar -115

i was doing fine til 4pm when i finished work.

i was on a binge rampage when i got home. but my cat had bought a bird inside for me as a present and i had to vacuum all the feathers up... stopped my binge. but im so freaking hungry now. dont know why. i ate heaps! *gah*

i feel all wobble and grosse.

scale said 125 today *sniffle*

Burger king:
Fries: 370
Burger: 470
5 onion rings: 190
=1030


McDonalds:
Fries: 412
Burger: 350
=762



Croissant: 231 (med)
Processed cheese slice: 113
Fries: 458 (med)
Wedges: 458 (med)
Sour cream: 78 =1338


English muffin: 134
Scrambled eggs: 200
Tomato: 60
3 hash browns: 260 (small)
=654


=3784




TOTALLY DISGUSTING! so much fried food and stuff. ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

tomorrow, i start afresh with no more than 800 cals. its small, but i dont want to shock my body too much. i got down to 55. i bet im up to 57.5, but i'll find out in the morn. im agonno needa lotta motivation with this one!

oh man, thats lame. binge binge binge.

*sigh*

got a pregnancy test. atleast im not pregnant...

http://www.puritytest.net/

i got 65.2% pure. they are mostly sexual questions, and its quite long, but is really good for a laugh. and who knows, you might pick up some ideas...

feeling a little better bow. had work, cleaned the kitchen (which was seriously a health hazard) got some new digital scales(not sure how to explain that to the flatmate) and am waiting for my friend to come over to have drinks. things are looking a little brighter. well, at any rate, i had a little more energy today, which is a good start. still a little teary and feeling glum, but i had more energy, so was easier to work through.

slightly hopeful

sometimes i think i should just accept recovery and be done with it. sometimes i think i need respite. often i think i complain too much. i think i'll complain here instead of at the garden. all my posts are about how bad i feel. im going to utilise my lj now...

for some reason i cant access trhe bdf lounge!! ive tried on two different comps now, and still no luck! im at uni, and i can usually do it here. someone hates me! the world hates me! and ive forgotten the web addy of the rose garden, so i cant even go there. this sucks monkeys balls!!

sorry for the rant...

i dont have an eating disorder, but i need tips to lose weight, but i dont wanna become anorexic, i just wanna lose some pounds.

give me a fucking break! its getting very hard ot control my anger over this one...

*rolls eyes*
*punches something*

its really sad that people are more concerned about those who are overweight than underweight. it has been proven that being severely underweight has as much danger as being severely over wieght. yet, we are still starving. the worlds daughters are fading away and are being ignored by those who help create it. while the focus is on weight loss for the obese, the same message is given to the anorexic. it is ok to lose weight. but, how much does on eneed to lose before it is deadly? it is not a matter of being thin. it is a matter of being the thinnest. the world just hasnt woken up to it yet. health food books, diet charts, diet pills.... it all contributes to a disease which is overlooked in the quest for thinness. how long before we realise that being obese is not the only problem? how long before another one dies from anorexia. the disease that is always in faskion, the diease that is always overlooked, the disease that is wanted, adored, loved, by everyone who is oblivious to it, to everyone that has it, to everyone who wants it. how long?

it hurts to breathe! i think ive bruised my ribs or something, though i dont know how. ive been having uncomfortable pains on the left side of my chest for three days now. mostly it only hurts when im walking, but sometimes when im sitting down too. its not too serious though, and it does go away at times during the day. people have been telling me to go to the dr cos it might be a chemical build up from all the toxic chemicals ive been using lately. i should get it checked, just in case.

for some sick reason, i hope it is a chemical build up... but im not meant to say that, right? *looks around nervously*

i'll keep my diary posted on this one...

Meds Placebo lyrics
Artist: Placebo
Album: Meds
Year: 2006
Title: Meds Print
Correct


(feat. Alison "VV" Mosshart from the Kills)

I was alone, Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us,
What happened to me,
What happened as I let it slip.

I was confused by the powers that be,
Forgetting names and places.
Passers by were looking at me
As if they could erase it

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone,
Staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget
All manner of joy
All manner of glee
And our one heroic pledge

How it mattered to us,
How it mattered to me,
And the consequences

I was confused,
By the birds and the bees
Forgetting if I meant it

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone,
Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget

im so exhausted. i can barely function. im all teary and can only do a half hour tops at uni. to top it all off im also chemical fucked too. great. i wanna crawl into a back hole for a few days.

i made an ana braceltlet yesterday! *grins* my friend gave me the beads for my birthday and we made them together. i didnt tell her why i needed only red and clear beads though! lol. its two strands of red beads with a clear cube bead after every 8th red bead. they are twisted together. i just wanted to make a personal one. it would be cool to have one that someone else had, as a solidarity type thing, but this one will probably give me more motivation.

i went to a party last night. a guy from germany latched onto me and we danced the night away. he was really cute and 19. maybe a bit too young, but he was very smart. anyways, i realised that i actually like someone else. it couldnt have been a worse person to fall for either: the only male in my class at uni! *bah* this is not going to be fun. i almost confessed to another person in my class, but then someone came over to us. i said i would tell her my revelation on monday, but i was drunk then, and i cant do it now. i just cant. its way too wrong. way too wrong! there are only 5 other people in the class, and i have to spend time with them until i graduate at the end of next year *bah!*

....

i was doing sooo well with not eating. then today, i had a big lunch and a big dinner. i didnt wear my ana bracelet today so i wouldnt taint it. i only had a small piece of cake at the party. i was wearing my bracelet and it reminded me about my goals. i think ive just completely undone all my hard work.

*another 'bah!'*

fuck i get sick of people asking for tips on bdf!! for fucks sake, if you go to that site you already know what to do, and if you dont know what to do then you shouldnt be there! its fucking as simple as that *bah!* that gets me so mad! do you want a disorder? do you want to lose any ounce of sanity you have left? although, if you want a disorder, you obviously dont have much sanity anyway, so go nuts. go on, develop an ed. then laugh at youraelf cos you wont get rid of it entirely. ever.

dumbfucks

ok, so i posted this in the bdf lounge as well. sorry for posting it here too. i dont know how to do 'cuts' either, so sorry its so long!!.

but, anyways... well, this is it. i wanted to get it in my journal for reference for myself. theres a line from "once were warriors" about how people are more sincere when they're drunk, but i forgot how it goes... anyways...

ok, so i have had an entire bottle of wine tonight, but... theres something i just really need to get off my chest...

ok, i can clain to have an eating disoder, but i do have disordered eating at times. i just feel like i claiming to be something im not. i never had a serious ed, even though i had the same side effects as many of the bdfs here. i really want your support and need you guys in times of crisis, and i do the same for everyone here. i try to make this board a 'friendly place' with all my threads of encouragement end love (cf. me *awwww, isnt that nice* or whatever post) but i still feel like i dont belong. you guys are suffering a major mental illness (sorry if i offended anyone!!), and i feel i have moved on. for example, i decided to go on a fast this week, yet i binged and purged, drunk alcohol twice during me "fast" and had two cups of milo!! a few years ago, i would have done this fast very very easily. i just feel like a failure, yet i can (finally) see i am doing well in other things (ie. uni). now, a lot of people would put anorexia or bulimia at the top of their list of things to succeed (im not sure thats the right word) at, but, uni seems to come above them at the moment. for once in my life, things are actually going well. although, i still have those fucking voices yelling at me at any meal i have, but i can eat pizza and not beat myself up toooooo much about it. i still have those voices, dont get me wrong! but i can overcome them more easily than i have in the past four years...

i guess if i didnt go to a specialist after only 6 months of realising i have an ed, then things would have been different. i know the stats on this -the earlier you get help, the more likely you are to 'recover'. and although i suppose i am 'recovered' i still get the head-fuck and totally understand what everyone is going through. i guess this is why i always tell 'newbies' to this board to get out while they still can. although i was 'therapised' early, i was never diagnosed officially, because i was one of the 'unlucky' anorexics that didnt lose enough weight to be considered so -even though i was passing out and my heart was skipping beats. you know what, i hate the dsm! they can lick monkeys balls!! a few decades ago i would have been put in a hospital for a few years. why not now? because i never fitted the dsm4. even my father told me so

anyways....

the whole idea of this post was to tell all my fellow bdf-ers that i feel like a fraud. i dont have your strength. i cant do what you do every day, every day. but, i know what you've been through, i understand the pain, i can give support... because i know what its like to have nobody but online friends to understand you; i know what its like to have to be the best at everything you do; i know what its like to hate yourself every day you wake up. i know what its like to have to decieve everyone you know and hold dear; i know what its like to want to never wake up...

i still want to be the best... but i want to be the best at uni, and for some reason i cant do that if im the best at being thin. i know some people can, but im just not that strong.

i will still come here and support all the bdf-ers, as i have always done. i will still post my feelings, my lows and my highs (i have a form of bi-polar, but thats another story!), thats because i love all of you, every single one of you. you are unique, you are individuals. you all have strengths outside of your ed, i am positive of it.

i wish everyone lots of joy and success, in whatever you choose that to be. i just needed to get this off my chest.

*massive hugs*
much love, always
rose
always
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

just added more inspo photos. im tired now. i really should go to bed. a ciggy first though *smiles* i need to sort out my photos, maybe make a gallery of my faves. some i think are just ho-hum, so it would be great to narrow them down and have a fantastic specialised gallery and then an average-any-photo-i-sorta-like gallery.

well, toodle-oo little laptop. it is time to shut you down for the night.
xoxo

ok....

i went to my friends house to watch dvds. she wanted to stop at the supermarket to get lots or junk food. oh crap! i got an apple and a pear and said i still felt ill from all the chemicals at uni. BUT... i ate shitloads anyway!! *BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!* then i started feeling a little ill cos i hadnt eaten much for ages. so, i got her to drop me home early. then, i had the biggest fucking spew i have EVER had! was great! i even drunk some water and swirled it in my stomach to get the last out (although i know it never really ALL comes out, just made me feel a bit better). i feel ok now. a little tired and still guilty, but, tomorrow is another day, right?

woah, i am NOT feeling good!!

ok, so i decided to go on a fast. YAY!! but... last night i bleew it. i had a salad. not bad, but... then i added roasted seeds and a dressing. ok, so it was a low fat dressing, but still!!

ive been working at uni with resin. now, this is highly toxic, very strong and basically starts to degenerate your brain, liver, kidneys and nervous system, and causes irreversable damage... not good!! i got some on myself by accident today, and ive been working in a small space and just frieked out. i just started bawling and panicked and couldnt get out fast enough! then i had trouble taking off my work clothes and panicked even more. was NOT FUN! a girl in my class saw and gave me a cup of tea. she said that chemicals do that and perhaps i should take a day or tweo off. i dont want to though, i just wanna get my work OVER AND DONE WITH.

i also found out today that a friend of mine has been put under the mental act in hospital, and is getting ect. now, when i was in i saw what this leaves you like, and im scared for her. i decided to write her a note every single day and post it with a little present. that way, each day she will hear from me, and it may cheer her up a bit. she isnt aloud visitors until after her 5th treatment. suck!!

so, now im dizzy from not eating, dizzy from the chemicals, and worried about my friend. SUX TO BE ME RIGHT NOW.