moronic_rose

eh..

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 09:58:32 GMT

i dont know how many cals today. i cant find what i want.

i had a 50 cent lolly mixture -no idea how many cals
cheese roll with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, cheese and an egg. -guessing 500 cals?
coffee, diet coke, crystal lite, water
muesli bar -115

i was doing fine til 4pm when i finished work.

i was on a binge rampage when i got home. but my cat had bought a bird inside for me as a present and i had to vacuum all the feathers up... stopped my binge. but im so freaking hungry now. dont know why. i ate heaps! *gah*

i feel all wobble and grosse.

scale said 125 today *sniffle*

binge day

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 12:10:22 GMT

Burger king:
Fries: 370
Burger: 470
5 onion rings: 190
=1030

McDonalds:
Fries: 412
Burger: 350
=762

Croissant: 231 (med)
Processed cheese slice: 113
Fries: 458 (med)
Wedges: 458 (med)
Sour cream: 78 =1338

English muffin: 134
Scrambled eggs: 200
Tomato: 60
3 hash browns: 260 (small)
=654

=3784

TOTALLY DISGUSTING! so much fried food and stuff. ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

tomorrow, i start afresh with no more than 800 cals. its small, but i dont want to shock my body too much. i got down to 55. i bet im up to 57.5, but i'll find out in the morn. im agonno needa lotta motivation with this one!

oh man, thats lame. binge binge binge.

*sigh*

got a pregnancy test. atleast im not pregnant...

kinky test

Mon, 28 May 2007 10:25:37 GMT

http://www.puritytest.net/

i got 65.2% pure. they are mostly sexual questions, and its quite long, but is really good for a laugh. and who knows, you might pick up some ideas...

shrugs knew that already...

Sat, 19 May 2007 06:30:54 GMT

Your Quirk Factor: 72%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

none

Sat, 19 May 2007 06:16:55 GMT

feeling a little better bow. had work, cleaned the kitchen (which was seriously a health hazard) got some new digital scales(not sure how to explain that to the flatmate) and am waiting for my friend to come over to have drinks. things are looking a little brighter. well, at any rate, i had a little more energy today, which is a good start. still a little teary and feeling glum, but i had more energy, so was easier to work through.

slightly hopeful

Mon, 14 May 2007 08:24:34 GMT

sometimes i think i should just accept recovery and be done with it. sometimes i think i need respite. often i think i complain too much. i think i'll complain here instead of at the garden. all my posts are about how bad i feel. im going to utilise my lj now...

cries

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:34:43 GMT

for some reason i cant access trhe bdf lounge!! ive tried on two different comps now, and still no luck! im at uni, and i can usually do it here. someone hates me! the world hates me! and ive forgotten the web addy of the rose garden, so i cant even go there. this sucks monkeys balls!!

sorry for the rant...

grrr

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 23:29:18 GMT

i dont have an eating disorder, but i need tips to lose weight, but i dont wanna become anorexic, i just wanna lose some pounds.

give me a fucking break! its getting very hard ot control my anger over this one...

*rolls eyes*
*punches something*

rant

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 10:44:36 GMT

its really sad that people are more concerned about those who are overweight than underweight. it has been proven that being severely underweight has as much danger as being severely over wieght. yet, we are still starving. the worlds daughters are fading away and are being ignored by those who help create it. while the focus is on weight loss for the obese, the same message is given to the anorexic. it is ok to lose weight. but, how much does on eneed to lose before it is deadly? it is not a matter of being thin. it is a matter of being the thinnest. the world just hasnt woken up to it yet. health food books, diet charts, diet pills.... it all contributes to a disease which is overlooked in the quest for thinness. how long before we realise that being obese is not the only problem? how long before another one dies from anorexia. the disease that is always in faskion, the diease that is always overlooked, the disease that is wanted, adored, loved, by everyone who is oblivious to it, to everyone that has it, to everyone who wants it. how long?

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 11:58:07 GMT

Your 2005 Song Is

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"

In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 11:43:35 GMT

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 10:59:39 GMT

it hurts to breathe! i think ive bruised my ribs or something, though i dont know how. ive been having uncomfortable pains on the left side of my chest for three days now. mostly it only hurts when im walking, but sometimes when im sitting down too. its not too serious though, and it does go away at times during the day. people have been telling me to go to the dr cos it might be a chemical build up from all the toxic chemicals ive been using lately. i should get it checked, just in case.

for some sick reason, i hope it is a chemical build up... but im not meant to say that, right? *looks around nervously*

i'll keep my diary posted on this one...

ahhh, great lyrics. just saw them on rove

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 10:53:27 GMT

Meds Placebo lyrics
Artist: Placebo
Album: Meds
Year: 2006
Title: Meds Print
Correct

(feat. Alison "VV" Mosshart from the Kills)

I was alone, Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us,
What happened to me,
What happened as I let it slip.

I was confused by the powers that be,
Forgetting names and places.
Passers by were looking at me
As if they could erase it

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone,
Staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget
All manner of joy
All manner of glee
And our one heroic pledge

How it mattered to us,
How it mattered to me,
And the consequences

I was confused,
By the birds and the bees
Forgetting if I meant it

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone,
Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:25:30 GMT

im so exhausted. i can barely function. im all teary and can only do a half hour tops at uni. to top it all off im also chemical fucked too. great. i wanna crawl into a back hole for a few days.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 09:18:28 GMT

i made an ana braceltlet yesterday! *grins* my friend gave me the beads for my birthday and we made them together. i didnt tell her why i needed only red and clear beads though! lol. its two strands of red beads with a clear cube bead after every 8th red bead. they are twisted together. i just wanted to make a personal one. it would be cool to have one that someone else had, as a solidarity type thing, but this one will probably give me more motivation.

i went to a party last night. a guy from germany latched onto me and we danced the night away. he was really cute and 19. maybe a bit too young, but he was very smart. anyways, i realised that i actually like someone else. it couldnt have been a worse person to fall for either: the only male in my class at uni! *bah* this is not going to be fun. i almost confessed to another person in my class, but then someone came over to us. i said i would tell her my revelation on monday, but i was drunk then, and i cant do it now. i just cant. its way too wrong. way too wrong! there are only 5 other people in the class, and i have to spend time with them until i graduate at the end of next year *bah!*

....

i was doing sooo well with not eating. then today, i had a big lunch and a big dinner. i didnt wear my ana bracelet today so i wouldnt taint it. i only had a small piece of cake at the party. i was wearing my bracelet and it reminded me about my goals. i think ive just completely undone all my hard work.

*another 'bah!'*

"tips"

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 05:25:02 GMT

fuck i get sick of people asking for tips on bdf!! for fucks sake, if you go to that site you already know what to do, and if you dont know what to do then you shouldnt be there! its fucking as simple as that *bah!* that gets me so mad! do you want a disorder? do you want to lose any ounce of sanity you have left? although, if you want a disorder, you obviously dont have much sanity anyway, so go nuts. go on, develop an ed. then laugh at youraelf cos you wont get rid of it entirely. ever.

dumbfucks

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 10:12:51 GMT

ok, so i posted this in the bdf lounge as well. sorry for posting it here too. i dont know how to do 'cuts' either, so sorry its so long!!.

but, anyways... well, this is it. i wanted to get it in my journal for reference for myself. theres a line from "once were warriors" about how people are more sincere when they're drunk, but i forgot how it goes... anyways...

ok, so i have had an entire bottle of wine tonight, but... theres something i just really need to get off my chest...

ok, i can clain to have an eating disoder, but i do have disordered eating at times. i just feel like i claiming to be something im not. i never had a serious ed, even though i had the same side effects as many of the bdfs here. i really want your support and need you guys in times of crisis, and i do the same for everyone here. i try to make this board a 'friendly place' with all my threads of encouragement end love (cf. me *awwww, isnt that nice* or whatever post) but i still feel like i dont belong. you guys are suffering a major mental illness (sorry if i offended anyone!!), and i feel i have moved on. for example, i decided to go on a fast this week, yet i binged and purged, drunk alcohol twice during me "fast" and had two cups of milo!! a few years ago, i would have done this fast very very easily. i just feel like a failure, yet i can (finally) see i am doing well in other things (ie. uni). now, a lot of people would put anorexia or bulimia at the top of their list of things to succeed (im not sure thats the right word) at, but, uni seems to come above them at the moment. for once in my life, things are actually going well. although, i still have those fucking voices yelling at me at any meal i have, but i can eat pizza and not beat myself up toooooo much about it. i still have those voices, dont get me wrong! but i can overcome them more easily than i have in the past four years...

i guess if i didnt go to a specialist after only 6 months of realising i have an ed, then things would have been different. i know the stats on this -the earlier you get help, the more likely you are to 'recover'. and although i suppose i am 'recovered' i still get the head-fuck and totally understand what everyone is going through. i guess this is why i always tell 'newbies' to this board to get out while they still can. although i was 'therapised' early, i was never diagnosed officially, because i was one of the 'unlucky' anorexics that didnt lose enough weight to be considered so -even though i was passing out and my heart was skipping beats. you know what, i hate the dsm! they can lick monkeys balls!! a few decades ago i would have been put in a hospital for a few years. why not now? because i never fitted the dsm4. even my father told me so

anyways....

the whole idea of this post was to tell all my fellow bdf-ers that i feel like a fraud. i dont have your strength. i cant do what you do every day, every day. but, i know what you've been through, i understand the pain, i can give support... because i know what its like to have nobody but online friends to understand you; i know what its like to have to be the best at everything you do; i know what its like to hate yourself every day you wake up. i know what its like to have to decieve everyone you know and hold dear; i know what its like to want to never wake up...

i still want to be the best... but i want to be the best at uni, and for some reason i cant do that if im the best at being thin. i know some people can, but im just not that strong.

i will still come here and support all the bdf-ers, as i have always done. i will still post my feelings, my lows and my highs (i have a form of bi-polar, but thats another story!), thats because i love all of you, every single one of you. you are unique, you are individuals. you all have strengths outside of your ed, i am positive of it.

i wish everyone lots of joy and success, in whatever you choose that to be. i just needed to get this off my chest.

*massive hugs*
much love, always
rose
always
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

gallery

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 11:21:10 GMT

just added more inspo photos. im tired now. i really should go to bed. a ciggy first though *smiles* i need to sort out my photos, maybe make a gallery of my faves. some i think are just ho-hum, so it would be great to narrow them down and have a fantastic specialised gallery and then an average-any-photo-i-sorta-like gallery.

well, toodle-oo little laptop. it is time to shut you down for the night.
xoxo

spew

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 09:47:46 GMT

ok....

i went to my friends house to watch dvds. she wanted to stop at the supermarket to get lots or junk food. oh crap! i got an apple and a pear and said i still felt ill from all the chemicals at uni. BUT... i ate shitloads anyway!! *BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!* then i started feeling a little ill cos i hadnt eaten much for ages. so, i got her to drop me home early. then, i had the biggest fucking spew i have EVER had! was great! i even drunk some water and swirled it in my stomach to get the last out (although i know it never really ALL comes out, just made me feel a bit better). i feel ok now. a little tired and still guilty, but, tomorrow is another day, right?

blah

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 05:24:08 GMT

woah, i am NOT feeling good!!

ok, so i decided to go on a fast. YAY!! but... last night i bleew it. i had a salad. not bad, but... then i added roasted seeds and a dressing. ok, so it was a low fat dressing, but still!!

ive been working at uni with resin. now, this is highly toxic, very strong and basically starts to degenerate your brain, liver, kidneys and nervous system, and causes irreversable damage... not good!! i got some on myself by accident today, and ive been working in a small space and just frieked out. i just started bawling and panicked and couldnt get out fast enough! then i had trouble taking off my work clothes and panicked even more. was NOT FUN! a girl in my class saw and gave me a cup of tea. she said that chemicals do that and perhaps i should take a day or tweo off. i dont want to though, i just wanna get my work OVER AND DONE WITH.

i also found out today that a friend of mine has been put under the mental act in hospital, and is getting ect. now, when i was in i saw what this leaves you like, and im scared for her. i decided to write her a note every single day and post it with a little present. that way, each day she will hear from me, and it may cheer her up a bit. she isnt aloud visitors until after her 5th treatment. suck!!

so, now im dizzy from not eating, dizzy from the chemicals, and worried about my friend. SUX TO BE ME RIGHT NOW.

i have been saved!!

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 01:14:36 GMT

so, im at uni, and i run out of materials for my artwork. CRAP!! i thought i was going to have to get an overdraft to help pay for them, and the lowest amount i could get is $1000. HOLY CRAP!! now, im one of these people that are prone to massive mood swings, and chances are that i would spend that $1000 on a load of useless shit, all in one weekend. so, i text my friend and vented to her, and she's going to lend me the money so i dont have to get an overdraft! YAY! i fucking love her! she has saved me from some sort of insanity yet once again. what a fucking legend! im so happy!

on another note...

IM SO FUCKING HAPPY!! ive been dancing around uni all morning and singing to myself and people have been looking at me strange. so, thats when i decided tgo come and write in my journal. i thought it would calm me down a little bit, but its actually made me more excited! i got a lovely, lovely message from ashtears, and that has made me soooo happy! its so nice to know that someone cares *grins*

well, what else to write about?

i love all the bdf girls! if anyone out there reading this is from bdf, then extra big hugs to all of you.

ok, so my friend will be here soon. im going to check my 'friends page' on here and reply to any new messages

*hugs and love to all*
rose

fast..?

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 09:25:40 GMT

i am rather hungover. still. its fucking 9.15pm! lmao. was a great party last night. i had a bottle of wine, 5 beers, and a shot of something. somehow i managed to get a fake pisces tattoo (im a virgo! lol) and a bottle of purple hair dye *shrugs* great night *grins*

i was texting a friend in aussie and we are going to do a fast. from tues morn to friday night. im not too sure if im going to have raw fruit and veges (making it a non-fast. lol) or just stick with water and tea. ive decided not to have diet coke, as it just makes me bloated. ive got some sugar balance pills to keep my blood sugar levels stable, so that will help. i really wanna do this! i just hope im strong enough. i may have lost my touch a little. i dont wanna look pregnant any more!! (no joke... *bleh*)

im going to get heaps of artwork done this week and fast and feel fucking fantastic!

grumbles

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 09:01:36 GMT

Ok, so today was, ok. I guess. I got up around 10am after atleast 12 hours sleep, had two bits of toast *cringe* had a shower, and felt like going back to bed. What the fuck is with that?! Ive been so so tired these last few days. Im not sure why. Ive been eating *relatively* ok, and sleeping a bit. Although, ive found it quite hard to relax lately. I cant watch tv without doing something else, as I need to keep my hands busy. I get bored watching tv within 10 minutes or so, even during my favourite programmes! I was so exhausted last night that I could barely move, and went to bed at 8.30. I think I got to sleep somewhere around 9.30, though I cant be certain. Tonight I was real tired, but I came home from uni and seeing my friend and made a spinach and ricotta lasagne and some chocolate fudge. Had dinner, watched tv and got bored. I couldn’t come home and do nothing! I was out with a friend today and she said I looked wasted. I cant understand it myself. Im not too stressed about uni, although I cant remember the last day I had off -I love doing artwork. It gives me a purpose, something to get up for each day, and I get too agitated and bored when im not doing it! My friend asked if I was stressed, was I having enough sleep, was I eating enough. None of those can explain why im so tired. Maybe im stressed about eating too much? A very high possibility. She thought maybe my glandular fever was coming back. Perhaps it is. Ive been feeling quite good lately, getting lots of artwork done, keeping on top of things, doing lots of things I find fun. Maybe im doing too much (although I cant imagine doing any less!), maybe my glandular fever is coming back, maybe im just getting a bit low after a minor high (?), or maybe im just experiencing a normal period of life? Im not sure what ‘normal’ is any more. If Im still getting real lethargic next week, I may see my dr. whatever.

I made a really yummy lasagne tonight. Im so proud of it. And, I only allowed myself one ‘text book’ serving -what they recommend in the recipe, even though we didn’t have veges or anything else. Im quite pleased with that at the moment, as ive been eating everything in sight lately. Although I also know that how much I ate today was definitely too much for me to feel comfortable with. But, im not going to beat myself up over it. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will try my damdest to not eat as much. I want to lose a lot of weight before my birthday. Hopefully I am strong enough to get back into the old swing of things! *winks*

Well, anyway, I was eating dinner, and mum came home. She had two servings of lasagne, eating it with her fucking hands!! What the fuck?! Then she had biscuits, crackers and prunes. She should have had a piece of fruit or a carrot. I mean, seriously, she’s meant to be watching her weight! Then, she invited my brother over for dinner tomorrow night, even though she wont really be here, and tells me I’ll have to cook for him! *grrrr* about 10 minutes ago she said she wont be having dinner, but maybe just a piece of toast or something. What the hell am I meant to do with THAT information?! It pisses me off soooo much to hear about her exercise and how she goes for runs in her lunchbreak, and she just seems so insensitive. Sure, I suppose I can be considered a ‘recovered ednos’, but the headfuck is still there. She fucks with my head! Doesn’t make me feel too good. Oh well. Shes my mother, and I love her, but it doesn’t have to mean that I like her. And I don’t. shes one of the most selfish people I know. Even her best friend admits that. Why do I live with her instead of going flatting? I loved flatting!

Oh well, I had probably go to bed now.

Adios amigos!

photos

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 10:55:02 GMT

i started a gallery with thispirational photos. yay!!! now i have somewhere to go when im feeling hungry, and i can access it at uni too *grins*

i dunno if its working right though... theres meant to be 23 photos. can someone please just go there and let me know if theres 23 coming up? *blushes*

i ate way too much today *bleh* and im still fucking hungry!! lately my apetite has been completely instiable... what the fuck is going on?! im constantly craving sweet things. im trying to eat an apple or pear when that happens and i cant ride it out. why has it all become so hard?

*big sigh*

girl interrupted quotes

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 12:38:34 GMT

this has got to be my favourite movie!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instructor: Now what kind of a tree can you be, Janet, down there on the floor?
Janet: I'm a fucking shrub, all right?

Lisa: Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, gun aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live.

to Susanna]
Lisa: You shared a man with that woman?

Dr. Wick: Is there something about sex which lifts your feelings of despair?
Susanna: Have you ever had sex?

Janet: When they built this place they put the tunnels in so the loons didn't have to go anywhere in the cold.
Susanna: I must've missed that in the brochure.

Valerie: Did you enjoy the fresh air Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah I did Val. Thanks.
Valerie: Good, 'cause it's the last time you're leaving the ward.
Lisa: Is that a dare or a double dare?

Lisa: Take one fuckin' step and I'll jam this in my aorta.
[aiming a pen at her neck]
Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa: Good to know.

Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them

Susanna: You know, taking us for ice creams in a blizzard... makes you wonder who the real whack jobs are.

Susanna: What kind of sex isn't casual?

Susanna: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

Janet: I want my fucking clothes!
Valerie: Then you'll have to eat something, won't you?
Janet: [singing] Oh Lordy, pick a bale o' cotton / Oh Lordy, pick a bale o' hay / Gotta jump down spin around pick a bale o' cotton / Jump down spin around, pick a bale o' hay...
Valerie: [to Susanna] She thinks that bothers me.